Sweat and Tears (including Fit test 2 results from yesterday)

I went to sleep last night at about 9. I thought I was getting my sleep pattern back to normal, but that I woke up at 3 in the morning. What! I was kind of upset, because I knew I wasn't gonna be able to go back to sleep. The good thing was that I was gonna eat breakfast in about two hours anyway, so I just did something productive like work on my conducting skills. At 5, I ate breakfast and at 8 I did my workout for Insanity, which was Plyometric Circuit today...definitely not my favorite one. As I was starting the workout, I was beginning to realize how low my energy level was. For some reason, I'm always nervous before a Insanity workout (understandingly), and I sometimes I'm not always pumped to go through the torture of it. This was one of those days where I did not want to do it. Sometimes the days I don't want to do it are my best days, so I was slightly confused as to why my energy level was so low. As I was getting towards the end of my workout, I was getting frustrated and more tired than usual. Maybe I pushed myself harder than I thought I had, but I was definitely getting exhausted. As I was doing the last workout, I was thinking about all the work I having to put into losing all this weight, the battle I have to fight to get to the end of this, and the battle of the mind. Losing weight is really more mental than physical. Your mind controls how well you do and how much you push. Your mindset determines how strong of a will that you have. Towards the end, I started crying, which is weird for me, but I realized how much of a struggle it is. You start questioning your abilities and start asking "Can I really complete this?" In your mind, you have a certain idea of how you want your body to look, but I when you look in the mirror, and you see how long it's taking you to get there, it can become discouraging. Pushing through becomes of a challenge, but if you stay focused on the goal, it keeps you from focusing on your present. You have to learn how to be beautiful where you are. I keep telling myself that if I can still move, I can complete anything. 

Now, to focus on my results of my fit test. I made great progress on every exercise except for 

two. Overall, I did really well. Here are my results between the first fit test and the recent one:

Switch Kicks: 59/70
Squat Jacks: 39/45
Power Knees: 95/105
Power Jumps: 17/25
Globe Jumps: 5/6
Suicide Jumps: 9/8 (Pitful, I know, lol)
Push-Up Jacks: 11/16
Low Plank Obliques: 25/27

Fear is a Dream Killer

This is my second time writing this blog today. I'm kind of upset right now, because I thought I had saved the post I had already prepared, but I'm trying to get over it. Sometimes you have to learn that certain things shouldn't evoke certain feelings out of you, and this is not the sum total of my day. In the blog I planned on posting, I wrote about how recently I had been looking through different fitness videos, success stories, and fitness blogs to keep myself motivated. With my personality type, I get impatient very quickly. I want to see results as soon as possible, but I know from experience that these things take time. It's still hard for me to except the fact that I've gained back the 20 pounds I had lost the year before, plus another 5 pounds. It's like when I lose weight, it comes back with a vengeance! lol. Now I feel like I have to work twice as hard to lose the weight I did before and ultimately reach my goal. I am thankful that I had the strength to stop myself before I gained anymore weight, but this journey is very hard for me. I'm trying to keep myself encouraged, and one thing I've learned going through this journey, and also dealing with other situations in my life,  is that I really have to change my mindset and whole approach on life to get where I need to be. Certain people have told me this before, but another thing I’ve learned is that you can give someone good advice all day long, but only when they realize it for themselves will they be able to internalize it. The first time I tried to lose weight, I sabotaged myself. Of course I had obstacles in my way that hindered me from completing the Insanity program last time, but if I really wanted to, I could have jumped over those hurdles to get to my goal, but once again I gave up on myself. Sometimes I think we sabotage ourselves because of fear, and fear will destroy any path you’re on, if you allow it to take over you. The fear is different for many people, and sometimes we’re afraid of the future, what we’ll become, or whether the decisions we make will makes us worse off than when we started. I feel that sometimes we sabotage ourselves because of fear. For me, it has been fear and sometimes my impatience that has made me fail at times. I want to be better than that, and I want to believe in myself again. I believe that’s what this whole fitness journey is about for me. A change of mind and spirit, a change of heart.